Confusion and Excitement

All this week since last Thursday I felt like my feelings for Fillip weren’t going away. In fact, they’re getting clearer and clearer each day,for as my feelings for Steven remain the same, they don’t either go away or intensify.
He’s still the cutest man of all to me, and his charms have no equal, making my heart and body love him and want him as always. But what I feel for Fillipe is a little bit different. It’s like Fillipe has whatever Steven doesn’t have.
We share the same interest in music,art and beauty, we are both sentimental, and it just feels like we can fit into the same song together, just as if we could be best friends or soulmates.
With Steven, on the other hand, it’s as if we could only share the bed and the house and nothing else, and every single time I bring it up to his attention or try to talk to him about it, he gets mad at me, so I’ve been letting it slide.
Anyway, it’s been double hard for me to sleep, go to school, study, etc, with 2 guys on my mind instead of one.
It has it’s pros and conts.
First of all, Steven has been extra nice to me since last Thursday, especially on Thursday night, because I came home all happy and excited,that it was obvious that I am in love all over again. He even gave me permission to turn his book off before I went to bed, and when I woke him up on Saturday while I was celebrating Fillipe’s arrival to my heart, he forgave me.
On Sunday, he took me to Whichwich. Still, I couldn’t get Fillipe out of my mind, and I even missed him on Tuesday.
Steven didn’t make me cry lately, but he’s been kind of boring going straight to bed after work, and barely talking to me when I came home.
On Wednesday, after coming home and making love to Steven, I couldn’t fight the feeling anymore and hesitated before I finally called Fillipe. He gave me his cellphone number BTW.
I was very nervous when I called him, but he offered to play the guitar for me on Thursday and I said “Yes”.
Anyway, I stayed up dancing that night until about 1 because I felt like I couldn’t sleep, and then I cuddled up with Steven so that he could put me to sleep.
I woke up at 7:30 the next morning, full of energy and enthusiasm, and ready to start the day.
I decided to go to School all dressed up and ready for the night.
I wore a pretty top boarded up with sequence with a tiny shirt underneath it that has sparkling teardrop beats and pirls,and some dressing pants.
Of course, I put on my bracelets, a necklace and earrings,and some lotion.
I went to class and then I went to lunch. It all went well until I found out that my ocarina was broken.
I was at lunch paying for my food,and when I got my wallet out, I heard something breaking. When I asked them what it was, they showed me what was left of my ocarina, tiny little pieces of that beautiful thing.
I was a little sad about my ocarina, but I didn’t let it spoil the rest of my day.
Instead I stayed at the bus-stop and enjoyed the sunshine, playing the recordings of my ocarina, like when I played it at the bus-stop or at the waterfall.
It was what I call, a bounced day. First it started all happy and beautiful, then sad and rainy, and then happy again and full of sunshine.
When I got home, Fillipe wasn’t there so I just had to go straight home and lay down with Steven for a while.
Whether he knew I was having a date with the neighbor or not, I didn’t know, but he didn’t sound quite all right to me.
First, when I told him about my ocarina, he looked at it, and then I told him not to throw it away because it was special.
I put the pieces back in the bag, then I put it in what I call my memory box, where I keep all my tapes, my chopsticks from that Chinese restaurant Steven gave me after our first date,Yvonne’s tapes, even those tapes I recorded after I got sick, letters from friends and other memories I collected since I came to live here.
After a few minutes, Fillipe called and told me he would be waiting for me at 9:30 because he was a little late coming home from work.
I got all excited, washed up, brushed my teeth and my hair, put some more lotion on, etc, and then I lay back down with Steven for a few more minutes.
It was amazing! I know he always tries to be a tough guy, saying he’s not jealous, sad or anything like that, but this time, he really wasn’t acting all that tough. I could tell, by the way he led me rest my head on his right arm while he was holding my left hand in his own hand, and caressing it so tenderly, then holding it tighter and tighter, that he didn’t really want to let me go. It’s very confusing! Why do guys have to be like that?
Why do they first say something and then act a totally different way?, now I am really confused! Is he in love, or not?
Part of me says he is but he’s trying to ffake indifference, but the other part of me says if he really did love me all that much, then he would be more romantic, but he’s just one of those guys that speak better without words, even if they say that they feel totally the opposite way.
Part of me wanted to go see Fillipe, but part of me wanted to stay right here with him. It’s like I’m 2 people in the same person and one disagreed with the other.
When the time came, and actually, it was Steven who let me know when the time was, I gave him a hug and a goodbye kiss, and before I left, I told him I still loved him.
It made me a little sad to leave like that because while I was all happy, I know he must’ve been at least a little bit sad to see me go on this date, but the neighbor is not even my “new boyfriend”, as he calls him, although I do feel like I am falling in love with him.
He’s only a friend that I consider my soulmate.
After all, I left, called Bianca and told her what was happening, then I heard his guitar playing and danced toward the sound.
I don’t know why, but my heart seemed to beat faster and wilder than the last time I heard him play the guitar.
I smiled and beamed at him, trying to see if he noticed how happy I was to see him again.
Then he came down, I sat next to him, and I heard him playing those wonderful sounding notes that make my heart freeze and my head feel funny.
We were out for about an hour and a half. HE was still a little sad about his wife but I was a little more intrigued this time. When he finally brought me back home, he told me that he enjoyed playing for me but that he also “enjoyed my company” “Wait a minute!”, I thought, but didn’t say a word, “does that mean he likes me?, or does that mean that he only enjoyed being next to me,talking and playing his music, and, you know, having someone to talk to, who could listen to him?
I told him it was nice to see him too, and this time before I opened the door, we shook hands and smiled at each other.
I came home at 11, almost exploding with happiness and extreme joy, almost like the first time I fell in love with Steven, and danced until 4 in the morning, not before I called my mom and talked to Cokie for a few minutes before she went to bed.
Fridays are my days off, I call them my sleep days, because that’s when I sleep all day, so that’s what I did on Friday.
I was awake when he got home, and I’m still thinking about what he told me. “Do you know what I would do if you leave me for him?, he asked, “what, throw a party?”, I asked him,
He changed his tone of voice when he told me, “No, I would wish you happiness and all the best, then I would go to the bar and get really, but really drunk”. That must mean, by what I heard in many sad songs and love stories, that he will be heartbroken if I did leave him. I just feel like I can’t leave yet.
I still love him too much for that and I know I’ll miss him a lot if I leave, so I just want to take my time and see how things are going for both of us.
Well, it’s late and I have to go for now, more updates some time next week.
Laters:
H I L: In case you don’t know, H I L means (hopelessly in Love)

Note, At least I’m dreaming again.

What's going on with me?

Yesterday I had a double coolio day
Steven took me to his workplace in the morning, and, for the first time in months, I had a very nice breakfast and lunch.
He introduced me to his employees and they were very nice, so I was well received as a guest.
I took my stream with me, my recorder and my CD player with a radio on it, and when I put some music in the backround, it sounded like if I was at a party, with a lot of people.
After work hours, he and Bobby gave me a tour of the place, and it was pretty good.
But then I wanted to stay out and feel the sunshine, and just because I said that, he got mad and yelled at me. He thought I was complaining, which I wasn’t, I was just expressing an opinion.
He hates it when I say such things but I don’t understand why.
Anyway, I got home and I cried myself to sleep, after hearing his lecture about it, he’s good at that.
It was kind of hard for me to go to sleep, so it took me about an hour and a half to finally sleep without waking back up and thinking about his bad attitude.
Then I woke up, and I heard him coming home from Sam’s, tired and still mad at me, I don’t know why.
My doublecoolioness started when he woke me up and told me about my guitar player neighbor, he was playing the guitar. he heard him,and as soon as he let me know I went out to hear him.
Before I get on with the details about that visit, I should tell you a little bit more about him, and how we met.
The first time we met, was a month ago, I was coming home from school, when suddenly, I hear the beautiful sound of his guitar and I told the driver that I didn’t really want to go home that time, so I followed the sound of his guitar until I heard it above my head, then clapped my hands at the end of the song. Then when he was finished, he asked me, do you want me to come down?
“Yes”, I told him, and so we met.
His name is Filipe. He’s a fine guy, a little too old with me and not as cute as Steven, but he makes that guitar of his ring like a bell,and from that moment on, I couldn’t get the sound of his guitar out of my mind. I just didn’t say anything to avoid suspicions, but of course, it felt like a new feeling of love began to appear in my heart, I just wasn’t too sure because I just met the guy and didn’t really find him all that attractive, I just love the sound of his guitar.
Also from then on, whenever Steven would make me cry, I began to wish he was near me, talking to me, but I kept that to myself as well.
Steven began to teas me about him being my new boyfriend, but I told him he wasn’t.
I thought I wasn’t going to hear him again, until I heard him yesterday, only to find out that indeed I was starting to fall in love all over again, and I don’t even know why, because I still love Steven.
I just have too confusing in love feelings in me. Its like if Steven has the looks, the cuteness, the charms that I’m already used to in a man, and the handsome features that I’ve fallen in love to begin with.
But the neighbor, Fillipe, well, he’s got the feeling, and the other stuf Steven can’t give me even though he should if he’s still in love with me.
To start with, yesterday the first thing he did when he saw me coming towards me, was to smile at me, come down with his guitar, and then we played a song together, Steven and I never did that.
When I was walking toward him, my heart started doing all kinds of crazy thumpy things at the rhythm of his guitar.
He plays mostly jazz and romantic music, but a little bit of country,mello, and blues.
The song I played with him on my ocarina was “I believe in Angels”. In a strange way, I felt like if he was my angel that came to rescue me from heartache and from crying for Steven.
Then we talked about our lives and ourselves. He even told me that he missed me!
I must admit that I missed him too, I probably wouldn’t have missed him so much if it wasn’t for the guitar.
Another thing that keeps me from dating him, is that he’s married and he and his wife love each other, but they haven’t seen each other for months and they can only talk on the phone for a certain amount of time. She’s in jail becauseshewas caught by imigration.
Anyway, he was lonely, and needed somebody to talk to . And I was also feeling kind of lonely because of Steven making me cry. He makes me cry once too often, and lately he’s been yelling at me for even little things like wanting to get a little more sunshine. So we both needed someone to talk= to and rely on when things get tough, and it’s like we found each other.
Anyway, he almost cried when he told me about her, so he played so more and I smiled at him with delight .
Before we were finished playing and talking to each other, he played a song for me, it goes: “there is love all around, but I’ve never heard it singing, no I’ve never heard it at all, and it is you”. It was so beautiful, and I was moving side to side to it’s soft, slow, blues rhythm, and it really felt like if he was talking to me.
He finished the song by whistling the melody, and his whistle sounded like a humming bird singing in spring.
We both laughed and giggled, and we shared our interest in music and the feelings the songs we like inspire.
He also told me, “if he ever makes you cry again, just let me know”, and gave me his cellphone number, and I gave him mine.
Then he brought me back home and I asked him if I’ll ever see him again, he reassured me that I wil. Then he finally went home.
Steven asked, “How was your visit with your new boyfriend?”, “It was ausom”, I told him, and he said, “so you do have a new boyfriend”. I reassured him that he wasn’t my boyfriend, but even if he’s not, I don’t know why I am so happy. I was gushing and blushing again, like I did when I first fell in love with Steven, and I was very nervous, laughing and giggling.
I was dancing all night last night because of that beautiful excitement, and I was gidi!
When I went to bed this morning, I was dreaming again like I haven’t dreamed in months, and it was about him. It was one of those crazy dreams you get when you fall in love, he was playing with me by candlelight in the dream, and he was watching the stars and telling me that they were shining for both of us, when he then told me that his wife died in jail and he was sad about never seeing her again. Then he finally let his whole feeling out and we cried into each others arms. He then told me that because I understand his feeling, he’d take a chance on me and get to know me better.
I woke up from the dream slowly, like if I was reluctant to let him go, and then Cokie made me a sandwich.
She was trying to talk me in about changing my mind, but I just can’t. Another reason why I can’t is because he never apologyzes when he hurts my feelings, he just yells at me and slams the door.
I’m still not gonna leave him, I still love him too much for that and even if I did, he’ll win me over with his cuteness, not to mention that I’m still afraid to lose him and that he takes good care of me.
But he doesn’t understand how I feel and doesn’t really listen to me at times, he’s always so serious and so unsentimental, that it doesn’t even seem like he’s in love with me no more.
Today he almost told Cokie I was leaving him, but I didn’t let him because I’m not, but I’ve been thinking about it for the last few months.
But first, I want to get to know this guy better, get to know what he’s up to, and then, if I get lucky and he gives me the strength, I might leave or I might not.
Until that time comes though, Steven is still the love of my life. But when the love of my life gets tough, Fillipe is my shoulder to lean on, and the angel of peace that sings on my window.
I don’t know what to do about this confusion, I’ve never been in love with two guys at the same time, so I think I’d just take my time until I finally make a decision, and who knows when that will be.
Well, got to go talk to Britany, but before I go I want to dedicate a song to Fillipe. He's French, and when I think of French, I think this is the most beautiful French song I've ever heard, it's called "La Vie en Rose" from Edith Piaf, it's really pretty!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKgcKYTStMc

More updates later, bye.
Confused H I L