Confusion and Excitement

All this week since last Thursday I felt like my feelings for Fillip weren’t going away. In fact, they’re getting clearer and clearer each day,for as my feelings for Steven remain the same, they don’t either go away or intensify.
He’s still the cutest man of all to me, and his charms have no equal, making my heart and body love him and want him as always. But what I feel for Fillipe is a little bit different. It’s like Fillipe has whatever Steven doesn’t have.
We share the same interest in music,art and beauty, we are both sentimental, and it just feels like we can fit into the same song together, just as if we could be best friends or soulmates.
With Steven, on the other hand, it’s as if we could only share the bed and the house and nothing else, and every single time I bring it up to his attention or try to talk to him about it, he gets mad at me, so I’ve been letting it slide.
Anyway, it’s been double hard for me to sleep, go to school, study, etc, with 2 guys on my mind instead of one.
It has it’s pros and conts.
First of all, Steven has been extra nice to me since last Thursday, especially on Thursday night, because I came home all happy and excited,that it was obvious that I am in love all over again. He even gave me permission to turn his book off before I went to bed, and when I woke him up on Saturday while I was celebrating Fillipe’s arrival to my heart, he forgave me.
On Sunday, he took me to Whichwich. Still, I couldn’t get Fillipe out of my mind, and I even missed him on Tuesday.
Steven didn’t make me cry lately, but he’s been kind of boring going straight to bed after work, and barely talking to me when I came home.
On Wednesday, after coming home and making love to Steven, I couldn’t fight the feeling anymore and hesitated before I finally called Fillipe. He gave me his cellphone number BTW.
I was very nervous when I called him, but he offered to play the guitar for me on Thursday and I said “Yes”.
Anyway, I stayed up dancing that night until about 1 because I felt like I couldn’t sleep, and then I cuddled up with Steven so that he could put me to sleep.
I woke up at 7:30 the next morning, full of energy and enthusiasm, and ready to start the day.
I decided to go to School all dressed up and ready for the night.
I wore a pretty top boarded up with sequence with a tiny shirt underneath it that has sparkling teardrop beats and pirls,and some dressing pants.
Of course, I put on my bracelets, a necklace and earrings,and some lotion.
I went to class and then I went to lunch. It all went well until I found out that my ocarina was broken.
I was at lunch paying for my food,and when I got my wallet out, I heard something breaking. When I asked them what it was, they showed me what was left of my ocarina, tiny little pieces of that beautiful thing.
I was a little sad about my ocarina, but I didn’t let it spoil the rest of my day.
Instead I stayed at the bus-stop and enjoyed the sunshine, playing the recordings of my ocarina, like when I played it at the bus-stop or at the waterfall.
It was what I call, a bounced day. First it started all happy and beautiful, then sad and rainy, and then happy again and full of sunshine.
When I got home, Fillipe wasn’t there so I just had to go straight home and lay down with Steven for a while.
Whether he knew I was having a date with the neighbor or not, I didn’t know, but he didn’t sound quite all right to me.
First, when I told him about my ocarina, he looked at it, and then I told him not to throw it away because it was special.
I put the pieces back in the bag, then I put it in what I call my memory box, where I keep all my tapes, my chopsticks from that Chinese restaurant Steven gave me after our first date,Yvonne’s tapes, even those tapes I recorded after I got sick, letters from friends and other memories I collected since I came to live here.
After a few minutes, Fillipe called and told me he would be waiting for me at 9:30 because he was a little late coming home from work.
I got all excited, washed up, brushed my teeth and my hair, put some more lotion on, etc, and then I lay back down with Steven for a few more minutes.
It was amazing! I know he always tries to be a tough guy, saying he’s not jealous, sad or anything like that, but this time, he really wasn’t acting all that tough. I could tell, by the way he led me rest my head on his right arm while he was holding my left hand in his own hand, and caressing it so tenderly, then holding it tighter and tighter, that he didn’t really want to let me go. It’s very confusing! Why do guys have to be like that?
Why do they first say something and then act a totally different way?, now I am really confused! Is he in love, or not?
Part of me says he is but he’s trying to ffake indifference, but the other part of me says if he really did love me all that much, then he would be more romantic, but he’s just one of those guys that speak better without words, even if they say that they feel totally the opposite way.
Part of me wanted to go see Fillipe, but part of me wanted to stay right here with him. It’s like I’m 2 people in the same person and one disagreed with the other.
When the time came, and actually, it was Steven who let me know when the time was, I gave him a hug and a goodbye kiss, and before I left, I told him I still loved him.
It made me a little sad to leave like that because while I was all happy, I know he must’ve been at least a little bit sad to see me go on this date, but the neighbor is not even my “new boyfriend”, as he calls him, although I do feel like I am falling in love with him.
He’s only a friend that I consider my soulmate.
After all, I left, called Bianca and told her what was happening, then I heard his guitar playing and danced toward the sound.
I don’t know why, but my heart seemed to beat faster and wilder than the last time I heard him play the guitar.
I smiled and beamed at him, trying to see if he noticed how happy I was to see him again.
Then he came down, I sat next to him, and I heard him playing those wonderful sounding notes that make my heart freeze and my head feel funny.
We were out for about an hour and a half. HE was still a little sad about his wife but I was a little more intrigued this time. When he finally brought me back home, he told me that he enjoyed playing for me but that he also “enjoyed my company” “Wait a minute!”, I thought, but didn’t say a word, “does that mean he likes me?, or does that mean that he only enjoyed being next to me,talking and playing his music, and, you know, having someone to talk to, who could listen to him?
I told him it was nice to see him too, and this time before I opened the door, we shook hands and smiled at each other.
I came home at 11, almost exploding with happiness and extreme joy, almost like the first time I fell in love with Steven, and danced until 4 in the morning, not before I called my mom and talked to Cokie for a few minutes before she went to bed.
Fridays are my days off, I call them my sleep days, because that’s when I sleep all day, so that’s what I did on Friday.
I was awake when he got home, and I’m still thinking about what he told me. “Do you know what I would do if you leave me for him?, he asked, “what, throw a party?”, I asked him,
He changed his tone of voice when he told me, “No, I would wish you happiness and all the best, then I would go to the bar and get really, but really drunk”. That must mean, by what I heard in many sad songs and love stories, that he will be heartbroken if I did leave him. I just feel like I can’t leave yet.
I still love him too much for that and I know I’ll miss him a lot if I leave, so I just want to take my time and see how things are going for both of us.
Well, it’s late and I have to go for now, more updates some time next week.
Laters:
H I L: In case you don’t know, H I L means (hopelessly in Love)

Note, At least I’m dreaming again.