Falling in Love with two people.

For the last month I have been feeling as if Fillipe is, in some way, sparkling that old flame of love that is beginning to diminish. Nonetheless, this week Steven has been trying his best to not make me cry, up until now because sooner or later I just had to let him know that this is going farther than I thought.
Today it’s been so crazy, I skipped school and I had fun, fun, fun!
First of all, Ssteven came home a little later than usual, and he wanted to show me the radio on his ipod. We were listening to music and he was singing some of those country songs we haven’t heard in a while, and making me laugh. For the moment I stopped thinking about Fillipe, and listening only to Steven, hearing him laugh and feeling him tickle me like he used to do. All was going so well until I heard Fillip playing the guitar in his balcony. I went outside with Steven and he was telling me about his new ipod, when suddenly I heard Fillipe’s guitar and then Steven himself told me I should go for it and see him. I got the peny-whistle that he gave me, which I believe, would be a good tool for me to get Fillipe’s attentions, I got my broken ocarina, because he told me he wanted to check it out, and I got the CD I made him with those recordings of my ocarina when I played it at the bus-stop or at the waterfall. I was a little doubtful about giving him the poem I wrote for him, so I stuffed it back in my backpack and left. I think I might’ve blushed if I did give it to him, so I didn’t.
I played a little bit of a Cajun song, and then he came down and took me to his balcony. We started talking, getting to know each other more and what we like, until I discovered that he was 43 years old. He then told me that people are young because of the heart, not only of age, so that must have been one of the reasons why I’m falling in love with him. I wish Steven would think that way, and the more I wish he did, the more I thinkFillipe can fill that up.
Anyway, he played me one of his favorite songs, and then he said he had to finish a work project, so he brought me back home, and then something happened, he hugged me. Hugged me! How sweet!
I danced the evening away celebrating that he hugged me, and how much I love him already.
So much was the craziness, and so wild was my dancing, that I think I hurt Steven’s feelings even though he didn’t say so.
He did give me some clues that I was hurting his feelings, and, though they were small, they were very specific and touched my heart deeper than I thought they would. For example, when I was wiggling and moving around in Cokies rocking chair and he asked me :what are you doing?, and I would say “catching some stars from the sky”, and he answered with a firmed, yet sweet, sad voice, “right, after I brought them down for you all this time”. I almost felt like crying about that, but I reassured him, “they’re still there”, but I didn’t finish my sentence, I just thought, “they just don’t shine like they used to”.
Anyway, what got me really sad is the way we talked at cokie’s room after he finished playing the game.
I did tel him I felt like I was not being loyal to him, like I was being a bad girl.
It really did hurt when he told me to stop being in love with him, to stop all this inphatuation and double talk and just be his friend, and that way I would be more loyal to him. Yes, more loyal, but sadder too. He did not understand what I meant when I told him he should tell me if he is not so sure he doesn’t mind this before it's too late, and that's when he made me cry a little, but inside, I cried a river that goes from Steven to Fillipe. What am I supposed to do? I’m in love with two people!, help!
Ah, he also told me that being in love with two people is hard, because it might happen that I might have two dates on the same day and I might not be able to choose which one to go out with. I think that now my heart got me into very serious trouble. Also, what am I going to do if I have to get out of town for a month like I did on Christmas break?, I’m gonna miss them both and that’ll be way too painful.
But after the rain comes the sun, and so after the pain comes more sunshine. I went to the room with him and he made love to me, very tenderly, in a way he hasn’t done in months. I loved the way he climed on top of me, kissed me from head to toe, and played with me before we made love. I could feel that even though he doesn’t want to admitted, he doesn’t really want me to leave, he wants me to stop this, to stop being in love with Fillipe, and all the wonders new love brought to my heart, and the only way that’ll happen, is if I stop seeing him, stop talking to him and listening to his music and let time do its duty, I could’ve done that from the beginning, but right now, it would be too dam painful and I might cry for hours. It might take me several months, if not years before my heart would stop being in love with him, and settles back only on Steven, and his boring, dreamless ways of being and living life. No way! I’m going to do what I set out to do, and take my time to get to know Fillipe better, to find out if he really is the muse and guitar player that I really need, to spark up again the flames of love in my heart.
Cokie doesn’t think I’m serious when I tell her that indeed I am in love, though being his friend is better than nothing at all.
Anyway, I’m going to dreamland and get some sleep. Later:
H I L. One for two?