Since Thursday evening I’ve been having a hard time thinking,talking to others, going out, and even my patience and sleep seem to be affected by my broken heart. I can fake a smile for a little while, but then I feel as if all eyes are on me, staring at my sad face and ragged appearance, (since I don’t even feel like getting dressed for the day or taking a bath and I rarely do), and laughing when they see that I’m having a hard time answering a question. In fact, my mom has become so concerned about me spending most of my time in my room, sleeping or on the computer, if not crying, so when she took me to the mall on Friday morning, she asked me what was going on.
I had to tell her the truth this time. At first she was a little angry, but she knew better than to get mad at me, and just took my hand as a tear rolled down my cheek, then an other and I began to blush and sweat of my own shame.
Then when we got off the car, she hugged me and told me it’s ok. I feel as if I’m dying inside, so poor of love, so empty and yet so full of questions and no answers.
On Saturday mom asked me how we were going to handle the situation, but I was afraid to answer because if I answered Yes, I didn’t want her to tell me that I was only taking advantage of the situation, and if I said no, that I was being mean and not sensitive enough, believe me, this is the time when I am the most sensitive.
Well, at least something good has to come up from my summer vacation, and that is an inflatable boat I gave my dad for father’s day. With that, when I go to the pool and sit on it, I can pretend that I’m sailing with Philippe or that he’s holding me in his arms as I lie on it.
Yesterday, when I called Steven for father’s day, he finally told me that he still missed me. That must mean that he might forgive me, right?
I also heard Britaney’s voice in my sleep telling me that meant he wanted to try to forgive me, maybe I should just give him time to think about it.
I missihim too, both of them, but I know for a fact I can’t have Philippe, so I just want to work things out with Steven.
Well, gotta go, today is mom’s day off so she’s probably going to want me to go do something with her.
Laters:
H I L
When you hit bottom, where do you turn?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Completely Hopeless
Today was the big day, the day that would determine a big part of my destiny, and the direction I’m going to take in my life.
I started the morning by getting down on my knees and praying to Scheyler and God that his wife would stay in prison for at least 2 years, crying bitterly and promicing with tears in my eyes that if I only had one more chance, I would try to prove Philippe that he and I are meant to be together, just one more chance, that’s all I needed.
Not even the slidest possibility of a chance, I even refused to go out with mom to wait for Philippe’s call right at 2, because I told him to call me as soon as he finds out.
So I waited in the bathroom, because that’s the only room in this house with a lock, and locked myself in there because I knew that I might cry after he gave me the answer, I was right. He called me after court, and told me straight up, “She’s coming back in 2 weeks”. I felt like he had just stabbed my heart with a knife. Not even a year, not even a month, but two weeks! All of a sudden I dropped on my knees and tried to hold back my tears but it was useless, I was weeping helplessly. My prayers were in vain, my hopes were gone, and I was devastated and started feeling as if I am a ghost, something that doesn’t exist.
My heart was torn into pieces with grief, and he knew he hurt me but I told him to tell me everything as soon as he found out, oh, it hurts! Yes!, but it will be better for me in the long run.
He told me he felt ocward being there with me, but he didn’t say anything not to hurt me. Now it’s all clear. He also told me he’s been praying for me today, but what good does that do now after he’d hurt me?, I don’t know.
He said he was coming to Houston tomorrow and he wanted to come see me, but I don’t want to see him right now because I’m too hurt and I feel like I might burst into tears at any minute. I probably would want to see him if I was at home, but this is my parents house and they don’t really know how hurt I am, and I’m afraid of letting them know because I know they might laugh at me if I did or tell dirty jokes about it, they’re good at that.
I’ve also talked to Cokie, and she thinks I should go back to Austin, since I have more independence there and can make my own decisions.
Well, gotta go now, laters.
H I L
with a broken heart and shattered hopes
I started the morning by getting down on my knees and praying to Scheyler and God that his wife would stay in prison for at least 2 years, crying bitterly and promicing with tears in my eyes that if I only had one more chance, I would try to prove Philippe that he and I are meant to be together, just one more chance, that’s all I needed.
Not even the slidest possibility of a chance, I even refused to go out with mom to wait for Philippe’s call right at 2, because I told him to call me as soon as he finds out.
So I waited in the bathroom, because that’s the only room in this house with a lock, and locked myself in there because I knew that I might cry after he gave me the answer, I was right. He called me after court, and told me straight up, “She’s coming back in 2 weeks”. I felt like he had just stabbed my heart with a knife. Not even a year, not even a month, but two weeks! All of a sudden I dropped on my knees and tried to hold back my tears but it was useless, I was weeping helplessly. My prayers were in vain, my hopes were gone, and I was devastated and started feeling as if I am a ghost, something that doesn’t exist.
My heart was torn into pieces with grief, and he knew he hurt me but I told him to tell me everything as soon as he found out, oh, it hurts! Yes!, but it will be better for me in the long run.
He told me he felt ocward being there with me, but he didn’t say anything not to hurt me. Now it’s all clear. He also told me he’s been praying for me today, but what good does that do now after he’d hurt me?, I don’t know.
He said he was coming to Houston tomorrow and he wanted to come see me, but I don’t want to see him right now because I’m too hurt and I feel like I might burst into tears at any minute. I probably would want to see him if I was at home, but this is my parents house and they don’t really know how hurt I am, and I’m afraid of letting them know because I know they might laugh at me if I did or tell dirty jokes about it, they’re good at that.
I’ve also talked to Cokie, and she thinks I should go back to Austin, since I have more independence there and can make my own decisions.
Well, gotta go now, laters.
H I L
with a broken heart and shattered hopes
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A smingin of hope
It’s been so many days before I talked to Philippe again, and now I know why.
He called me yesterday, when I was still asleep, and told me that he still doesn’t know when his wife is coming back.
“She’s going to court on Thursday, so we have to wait until then to find out when she’ll be back. It could be next Friday, or it could be 3 years from now, we don’t know”. In my mind I was thinking: Good, at least there’s some hope for us, even if it’s a smingin of hope that could be gone by next week.
He also told me that Steven may not be the right one for me, and that he wants to help me find somebody else. I cried at the thought,who does he think I am?, a hoar?
And what if that new person does the same thing he did to me?, I don’t feel like I’m fit to love anyone else ever again, my heart is wounded!
I discussed these thoughts with him, but he doesn’t seem to get it, he doesn’t really understand that he is that special someone, He is the one I’ve been waiting for all my life. I thought it was Steven, but if Steven isn’t the one, then who?
All I hope and pray for now is that she stays there as long as possible, or that she leaves him and goes back home to her family.
If that happens, I know he will feel lonely again, and he would probably take a chance on me for a few years before he decides whether he would stay with me, or go to his wife.
Well, got to go now, more updates about this and other stuff next week.
Laters:
H I L, a smingin of hope is better than nothing at all!
He called me yesterday, when I was still asleep, and told me that he still doesn’t know when his wife is coming back.
“She’s going to court on Thursday, so we have to wait until then to find out when she’ll be back. It could be next Friday, or it could be 3 years from now, we don’t know”. In my mind I was thinking: Good, at least there’s some hope for us, even if it’s a smingin of hope that could be gone by next week.
He also told me that Steven may not be the right one for me, and that he wants to help me find somebody else. I cried at the thought,who does he think I am?, a hoar?
And what if that new person does the same thing he did to me?, I don’t feel like I’m fit to love anyone else ever again, my heart is wounded!
I discussed these thoughts with him, but he doesn’t seem to get it, he doesn’t really understand that he is that special someone, He is the one I’ve been waiting for all my life. I thought it was Steven, but if Steven isn’t the one, then who?
All I hope and pray for now is that she stays there as long as possible, or that she leaves him and goes back home to her family.
If that happens, I know he will feel lonely again, and he would probably take a chance on me for a few years before he decides whether he would stay with me, or go to his wife.
Well, got to go now, more updates about this and other stuff next week.
Laters:
H I L, a smingin of hope is better than nothing at all!
Monday, June 08, 2009
Imagination
After all this and what Philippe told me, I still find it impossible to believe that the bitch of his wife is coming back, though I must accept it. It is the price I’m having to pay for what I did to Steven, or my luck, or both, I don’t know. IT is a pain that I can’t express, especially here in this house, I still have to smile at my mom and play with my little sister, and I still have to talk to them when they talk to me.
After those few nights of crying and praying, I am beginning to resign myself to love him only in my dreams, in secret, and that it was only an illusion, nobody will ever really love me and if someone did, it would be Steven. If only he would forgive me, take me back, tell me that all the hurt is over and that we can start fresh again. But it would be too unfair of me if I asked him to be like he was before or even to forgive me, because I know that even if we were back together nothing would be the same.
I spent part of the afternoon going swimming with my little sister even though I didn’t feel like it, and while I was in the water with her I would imagine Philippe holding me and I would take my little sister in my arms as I wished Philippe was holding me, and when I lay back on the water and stayed afloat, I imagined Philippe holding me and telling me: “we’re flying, reach out”, as he did when we were in the pool, and I said: “I’m reaching for the stars”. Then he would say, “you got one?, and I would reply, “I got two,
One for me and one for you”.
Everytime I visit my mom’s gardin, I imagine Philippe walking beside me, and putting a flower on my hair, caressing it gently, softly and tenderly like he did when he took me back home.
In my dreams I would lie next to him, be in his arms, kiss him, hug him, and even listen to him play the guitar like he did when we first met, and then everything would start all over again.
I often dream about my lucky night, and sometimes I can imagine him with me even if I’m not awake.
I tried to stop talking to him on the phone, but I have an odd feeling that I just can’t or I’ll miss him even more, so we still talk every night.
Yesterday he said he was praying for me in the sailboat, and I was just so amazed that even if he lied he would do something like that.
What I also do a lot, is fake smiles. I don’t really feellike smiling at anyone, not even to myself, but I do it for my family, and it’s becoming a little harder each day, so much so, thatI’m afraid that mom would notice that something else is going on now and ask me what it is. No way, if I tell mom,then she would surely tell me to stay here for good, not just offer.
I haven’t talked to Philippe last night,only once before I went swimming with my little sister, so I miss him even more now as if I haven’t seen him in years. What would happen if I see him again?, I wonder, as I lie on my bed, in this lonely room, if I had to be his friend,
that’ll bee all right with me in fact, but I don’t ever want to meet his wife, I don’t ever want to talk to her, to get to know her, or have anything to do with her, no, I would die, I would faint, or run, or scream, but I could not do it.
I think the saddest, but safest choice I have would be to stay here, though as I heard my dad and my big sister arguing when my dad was helping my little sister and I to get off the pool, sometimes the idea of staying here seems a little scary and very depressing.
So I spend long hours in my room most of the time, just as I did today, relying on my imagination as the only way for me to feel closer to him, and hope that time would heal my wounded heart.
With shattered hopes, H I L.
There must be some way out of this.
After those few nights of crying and praying, I am beginning to resign myself to love him only in my dreams, in secret, and that it was only an illusion, nobody will ever really love me and if someone did, it would be Steven. If only he would forgive me, take me back, tell me that all the hurt is over and that we can start fresh again. But it would be too unfair of me if I asked him to be like he was before or even to forgive me, because I know that even if we were back together nothing would be the same.
I spent part of the afternoon going swimming with my little sister even though I didn’t feel like it, and while I was in the water with her I would imagine Philippe holding me and I would take my little sister in my arms as I wished Philippe was holding me, and when I lay back on the water and stayed afloat, I imagined Philippe holding me and telling me: “we’re flying, reach out”, as he did when we were in the pool, and I said: “I’m reaching for the stars”. Then he would say, “you got one?, and I would reply, “I got two,
One for me and one for you”.
Everytime I visit my mom’s gardin, I imagine Philippe walking beside me, and putting a flower on my hair, caressing it gently, softly and tenderly like he did when he took me back home.
In my dreams I would lie next to him, be in his arms, kiss him, hug him, and even listen to him play the guitar like he did when we first met, and then everything would start all over again.
I often dream about my lucky night, and sometimes I can imagine him with me even if I’m not awake.
I tried to stop talking to him on the phone, but I have an odd feeling that I just can’t or I’ll miss him even more, so we still talk every night.
Yesterday he said he was praying for me in the sailboat, and I was just so amazed that even if he lied he would do something like that.
What I also do a lot, is fake smiles. I don’t really feellike smiling at anyone, not even to myself, but I do it for my family, and it’s becoming a little harder each day, so much so, thatI’m afraid that mom would notice that something else is going on now and ask me what it is. No way, if I tell mom,then she would surely tell me to stay here for good, not just offer.
I haven’t talked to Philippe last night,only once before I went swimming with my little sister, so I miss him even more now as if I haven’t seen him in years. What would happen if I see him again?, I wonder, as I lie on my bed, in this lonely room, if I had to be his friend,
that’ll bee all right with me in fact, but I don’t ever want to meet his wife, I don’t ever want to talk to her, to get to know her, or have anything to do with her, no, I would die, I would faint, or run, or scream, but I could not do it.
I think the saddest, but safest choice I have would be to stay here, though as I heard my dad and my big sister arguing when my dad was helping my little sister and I to get off the pool, sometimes the idea of staying here seems a little scary and very depressing.
So I spend long hours in my room most of the time, just as I did today, relying on my imagination as the only way for me to feel closer to him, and hope that time would heal my wounded heart.
With shattered hopes, H I L.
There must be some way out of this.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
She's coming back!
I think it’s about time he told me the truth. All of this week, I’ve been thinking about him, picturing us together, trying to get over Steven to be with him, trying to learn some French, etc, for nothing! I was even looking forward to him coming to meet my parents some day!
It all started when I called him on Wednesday night, I was just waking up by then, and then we’ve been talking for a while before he told me the inevitable: “I don’t really want to say this,” he said, “but I cannot be with two people at the same time, I cannot be with my wife and with you, I have to make a decision and I know it’s going to hurt”.
“what do you mean?”, I asked him.
“You know I’ve become very attached to you , I like you and I miss you, but I have to be true to you and to myself, I’m sorry”. With tears in my eyes, I asked him, “Is she coming back?”
“soon, she’s coming back soon, in 3 months. I’m sorry, I know you’re crying, I really didn’t want to hurt you.”
“did you just find out that she’s coming back?”, I asked him.
“No, I knew all along that she was coming back but I didn’t think she would come back to me.
I just didn’t want to hurt you, I’m sorry”. He kept saying. “I’m crying too, so I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight”.
I lay in my bed speechless, and it felt to me like if I could no longer trust anyone, as if I am no good for love anymore. I can only wish, I thought, and dream about him and maybe I should just love him in secret and do things with him that I can’t tell anyone, just him and me. We could’ve been so happy together!
I called Bianca and told her what just happened, and she told me that I shouldn’t consider going back to Steven, though I can try.
I cried all night after that and I talked to Britaney, and when I told Cokie about it, she just said:
“I told you, he’s married”.
Yesterday I called Steven because Britaney said I should call him, but I don’t think he will forgive me anymore, maybe we should just be friends with both of them, but if he doesn’t forgive me, then I am staying here with my parents and avoid getting hurt even more.
Well, there’s no more to tell, so I’ll write more next week.
Desperate H I L. Will I ever find true love?
It all started when I called him on Wednesday night, I was just waking up by then, and then we’ve been talking for a while before he told me the inevitable: “I don’t really want to say this,” he said, “but I cannot be with two people at the same time, I cannot be with my wife and with you, I have to make a decision and I know it’s going to hurt”.
“what do you mean?”, I asked him.
“You know I’ve become very attached to you , I like you and I miss you, but I have to be true to you and to myself, I’m sorry”. With tears in my eyes, I asked him, “Is she coming back?”
“soon, she’s coming back soon, in 3 months. I’m sorry, I know you’re crying, I really didn’t want to hurt you.”
“did you just find out that she’s coming back?”, I asked him.
“No, I knew all along that she was coming back but I didn’t think she would come back to me.
I just didn’t want to hurt you, I’m sorry”. He kept saying. “I’m crying too, so I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight”.
I lay in my bed speechless, and it felt to me like if I could no longer trust anyone, as if I am no good for love anymore. I can only wish, I thought, and dream about him and maybe I should just love him in secret and do things with him that I can’t tell anyone, just him and me. We could’ve been so happy together!
I called Bianca and told her what just happened, and she told me that I shouldn’t consider going back to Steven, though I can try.
I cried all night after that and I talked to Britaney, and when I told Cokie about it, she just said:
“I told you, he’s married”.
Yesterday I called Steven because Britaney said I should call him, but I don’t think he will forgive me anymore, maybe we should just be friends with both of them, but if he doesn’t forgive me, then I am staying here with my parents and avoid getting hurt even more.
Well, there’s no more to tell, so I’ll write more next week.
Desperate H I L. Will I ever find true love?
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