Thinking about going back together

Since Thursday evening I’ve been having a hard time thinking,talking to others, going out, and even my patience and sleep seem to be affected by my broken heart. I can fake a smile for a little while, but then I feel as if all eyes are on me, staring at my sad face and ragged appearance, (since I don’t even feel like getting dressed for the day or taking a bath and I rarely do), and laughing when they see that I’m having a hard time answering a question. In fact, my mom has become so concerned about me spending most of my time in my room, sleeping or on the computer, if not crying, so when she took me to the mall on Friday morning, she asked me what was going on.
I had to tell her the truth this time. At first she was a little angry, but she knew better than to get mad at me, and just took my hand as a tear rolled down my cheek, then an other and I began to blush and sweat of my own shame.
Then when we got off the car, she hugged me and told me it’s ok. I feel as if I’m dying inside, so poor of love, so empty and yet so full of questions and no answers.
On Saturday mom asked me how we were going to handle the situation, but I was afraid to answer because if I answered Yes, I didn’t want her to tell me that I was only taking advantage of the situation, and if I said no, that I was being mean and not sensitive enough, believe me, this is the time when I am the most sensitive.
Well, at least something good has to come up from my summer vacation, and that is an inflatable boat I gave my dad for father’s day. With that, when I go to the pool and sit on it, I can pretend that I’m sailing with Philippe or that he’s holding me in his arms as I lie on it.
Yesterday, when I called Steven for father’s day, he finally told me that he still missed me. That must mean that he might forgive me, right?
I also heard Britaney’s voice in my sleep telling me that meant he wanted to try to forgive me, maybe I should just give him time to think about it.
I missihim too, both of them, but I know for a fact I can’t have Philippe, so I just want to work things out with Steven.

Well, gotta go, today is mom’s day off so she’s probably going to want me to go do something with her.

Laters:
H I L
When you hit bottom, where do you turn?