Completely Hopeless

Today was the big day, the day that would determine a big part of my destiny, and the direction I’m going to take in my life.
I started the morning by getting down on my knees and praying to Scheyler and God that his wife would stay in prison for at least 2 years, crying bitterly and promicing with tears in my eyes that if I only had one more chance, I would try to prove Philippe that he and I are meant to be together, just one more chance, that’s all I needed.
Not even the slidest possibility of a chance, I even refused to go out with mom to wait for Philippe’s call right at 2, because I told him to call me as soon as he finds out.
So I waited in the bathroom, because that’s the only room in this house with a lock, and locked myself in there because I knew that I might cry after he gave me the answer, I was right. He called me after court, and told me straight up, “She’s coming back in 2 weeks”. I felt like he had just stabbed my heart with a knife. Not even a year, not even a month, but two weeks! All of a sudden I dropped on my knees and tried to hold back my tears but it was useless, I was weeping helplessly. My prayers were in vain, my hopes were gone, and I was devastated and started feeling as if I am a ghost, something that doesn’t exist.
My heart was torn into pieces with grief, and he knew he hurt me but I told him to tell me everything as soon as he found out, oh, it hurts! Yes!, but it will be better for me in the long run.
He told me he felt ocward being there with me, but he didn’t say anything not to hurt me. Now it’s all clear. He also told me he’s been praying for me today, but what good does that do now after he’d hurt me?, I don’t know.
He said he was coming to Houston tomorrow and he wanted to come see me, but I don’t want to see him right now because I’m too hurt and I feel like I might burst into tears at any minute. I probably would want to see him if I was at home, but this is my parents house and they don’t really know how hurt I am, and I’m afraid of letting them know because I know they might laugh at me if I did or tell dirty jokes about it, they’re good at that.
I’ve also talked to Cokie, and she thinks I should go back to Austin, since I have more independence there and can make my own decisions.
Well, gotta go now, laters.
H I L
with a broken heart and shattered hopes