All this time that I have in my hands, is pretty much all about learning to prove myself that I can live without Steven.
I started doing that by calling my friend Bianca and telling her about the hard time I’m having with the decision, and she told me to start off by breaking the CD’s he gave me, deleting all his music and the poems I wrote for him, in short, to stay away from anything that reminds me of him, even those computer sounds he made for me.
I am so glad he didn’t give me many things, just a lot of heartache and tears secretly hidden and covered by dreams.
Breaking the CD’s is kind of dangerous because I’m running the risk of being caught by my mom and I almost did, not to mention that the little pieces of the glassy material can jump off and caught me in the eye, but I have to do it because if I just throw them away or hide them in a drawer, I know that the next time I come around my mom will pick them up and play them in front of me like she did that Britney Spears CD.
Not only that, I spent a whole night getting rid of his music and his 2 notes, cheep notes.
The next day I was in for a challenge. On Monday, everyone on the family came, and then I was waken up by my mom, who asked me if I wanted to go swimming. I went swimming with my little sister, but then I went to lunch, or was it dinner?, I didn’t know because I was still half asleep.
It didn’t feel right to me going swimming without Philippe, so I was for a moment, glad to be out of the water.
When I was at the dinner table, however, my aunt and my grandma were there, and they were all asking me about the one thing I didn’t want to remember: Steven. “Are you 2 doing Ok?, Why did you gguys break up?, you both looked so nice together!, what happened?, are you sad to lose him? …”, were only a few of the questions they asked, and each of them felt as if they were thorns piercing my heart and opening the wound that had just started to heal. I was ashamed to cry, however, afraid that everyone would see my despair and pepper me with questions even more. Thank God my dad showed up, and I told him to call my mom and when she showed up I told her to bring me back inside so I can go to the bathroom. I cried silently, not a lot, but just enough to help me not to go insane.
Then I wiped away my tears and came back in here, called Philippe and talked to him for a while before his soothing voice lulled me to sleep.
I kept sleeping and waking up, until mom came in and told me they were gone. From that day on, she said she wanted to do something with me every morning before she went to work, such as going to the park or going on a bike ride, but I just don’t really feel like anything.
When I went to the L Y C’s breakup section, I read about doing things such as going for walks, getting rid of anything that brings memories of the relationship, and journaling, well, I do that all the time with this blog, so on Wednesday I accepted going to the park with my mom in the morning. I’m still very depressed, however, not because I feel sad about losing him, as people around me believe, but still unable to shake that feeling of silent sadness and shame away from me permanently, it always comes back. I still spend most of the day in bed or on the computer, and I also found an online course on YouTube to help me learn French, and a French radio station on the internet, because anything French reminds me of Philippe these days, and I’m trying to thing more of him, and less of Steven, since I found out that is the most effective way to counteract my feelings for him and move on faster than just trying to forget about him.
Yes, I am learning a little French, enjoying French music, listening to funny stories, etc, but the moment I think I moved on, it hits me again, and again, and I feel like I’ll never get over him.
I feel very tired most of the time, even if I don’t do much, but though sometimes I sleep a lot, many other times I feel restless, especially at night.
I am also working on a poem called “Still alive”, but as slow as I’m going, I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it.
I brought a Braille book to read with me, but since my mind is so restless and wondering, I would only read the first few lines before I would put it down and go to sleep, so I just listen to stories on mp3, or just music.
I went swimming again just this afternoon, and right now I’m getting sick, I’m getting a cold.
In short, it’s been crazy for me all this time, for a moment it feels like I’m moving on and I’m happy when I think of Philippe, but in a few minutes, I still feel almost like crying when the traces of Steven’s love pop back up in my memory.
Well, gotta go now, I’m listening to a French radio that’s really ausom, and I’m waiting on a phonecall, so I’ll be back later.
H I L
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Poem of the week: The Night will Come
The night will come,
When the past is gone,
When we can dance til the break of dawn,
The night will come when you and I,
Will become one, and as one we’ll fly.
The night will come,
When everyone will know I found you,
When everything will become new,
When our dreams will finally come true.
All I ask of you is time,
Time to think, to make up my mind,
Time to get over my past,
Before moving to a new era of my life.
When It comes, we’ll both know,
And then, together, we’ll go,
To a place where nobody knows,
and where our happiness will grow.
The night will come, I don’t know when,
But I know it will, somehow, some day,
And when it does,
It will change our lives in a special way.
When the past is gone,
When we can dance til the break of dawn,
The night will come when you and I,
Will become one, and as one we’ll fly.
The night will come,
When everyone will know I found you,
When everything will become new,
When our dreams will finally come true.
All I ask of you is time,
Time to think, to make up my mind,
Time to get over my past,
Before moving to a new era of my life.
When It comes, we’ll both know,
And then, together, we’ll go,
To a place where nobody knows,
and where our happiness will grow.
The night will come, I don’t know when,
But I know it will, somehow, some day,
And when it does,
It will change our lives in a special way.
Breaking up has not been an easy thing to do, I’m having to pay for it, and how painful is the price. No, not losing him because I was the one who broke up with him, but the trace he left, his memories, and the songs we used to sing together, my mom’s acceptance, and everything in between hurt like hell. For a moment, when we broke up, I thought I was already over him and moving on, but then because of all those memories, I realized I wasn’t.
Yesterday, when my mom and I talked about him, she told me that he was almost like part of the family, it’s one of the wonders our love had done.
We took my sister’s puppy to the vet, and then in our way home, I heard that song “far away” that he sang to me last year in our first night together, and I almost felt like crying because I felt my heart aching with those memories.
All throughout the week I didn’t feel like doing almost anything except sleeping, getting on the internet, or talking on the phone.
Although I am trying to get over Steven, it’s hard for my open wound to heal if my mom and others keep asking me about him.
Beyond that, though, and in spite of all the nostalgia and the melancholy, everything is working quite as planned. Philippe is at least trying to give me the strength to not to fal apart and go back to him for forgiveness, and to start making plans for moving on.
Steven and I haven’t talked since Sunday, it’s all gone, our hopes of going back together, and I rather not talk to him, than call him and hurt his feelings and my own heart even more.
I’ve been spending most of the time sleeping or reflecting on this situation, getting on the internet and finding things that are helping me to move on, such as breakup songs and empowering songs and videos in you-tube.
During this reflection week I’ve also learned that Philippe really loves me, and yesterday he told me he did some soul-searching to find out if this is the right decision for him, he says he wants to be true to me. Wow! I tried to go soul searching myself, but my little sister interrupted me so I couldn’t really do it.
I also talked to Cokie and Bianca yesterday, and it’s good to know they’re not mad at me for this because I know mom is, I know she totally disagrees with me about leving Steven to be with someone else, so it’s hard for me to talk to her nowadays, that I’m running the risk of being made to stay here in Houston for the rest of the year.
Well, got to go to Dreamland, but before I go, I going to post my latest poem, “The Night will come”, I wrote it thinking about Philippe!
I’ll write some time next week, laters
H I L
Yesterday, when my mom and I talked about him, she told me that he was almost like part of the family, it’s one of the wonders our love had done.
We took my sister’s puppy to the vet, and then in our way home, I heard that song “far away” that he sang to me last year in our first night together, and I almost felt like crying because I felt my heart aching with those memories.
All throughout the week I didn’t feel like doing almost anything except sleeping, getting on the internet, or talking on the phone.
Although I am trying to get over Steven, it’s hard for my open wound to heal if my mom and others keep asking me about him.
Beyond that, though, and in spite of all the nostalgia and the melancholy, everything is working quite as planned. Philippe is at least trying to give me the strength to not to fal apart and go back to him for forgiveness, and to start making plans for moving on.
Steven and I haven’t talked since Sunday, it’s all gone, our hopes of going back together, and I rather not talk to him, than call him and hurt his feelings and my own heart even more.
I’ve been spending most of the time sleeping or reflecting on this situation, getting on the internet and finding things that are helping me to move on, such as breakup songs and empowering songs and videos in you-tube.
During this reflection week I’ve also learned that Philippe really loves me, and yesterday he told me he did some soul-searching to find out if this is the right decision for him, he says he wants to be true to me. Wow! I tried to go soul searching myself, but my little sister interrupted me so I couldn’t really do it.
I also talked to Cokie and Bianca yesterday, and it’s good to know they’re not mad at me for this because I know mom is, I know she totally disagrees with me about leving Steven to be with someone else, so it’s hard for me to talk to her nowadays, that I’m running the risk of being made to stay here in Houston for the rest of the year.
Well, got to go to Dreamland, but before I go, I going to post my latest poem, “The Night will come”, I wrote it thinking about Philippe!
I’ll write some time next week, laters
H I L
Monday, May 18, 2009
Our last few days together
Hay, it's the start of a new week for me, not just a new week, but a new era of mmy life, my first week without him.
Our last few days together were kind of odd, though we tried to make the best of it. I had very little time for him then because I was either asleep in the morning, or out with Philippe at night. There, I finally learned to spell his name correctly, the French way. Philippe is so sweet, such an angel always! With Steven, he was always my king and I her devoted slave, well, except on our first few days. I was always there to do whatever he wanted me to do, but with Philippe, it's the other way around. He thinks I'm his queen, a princess, leving everythingsin my hands, and staying up with me if I want him to. Its because of him that I've been having ceveral big, romantic dinners at his house, with him always getting what I needed right in front of my hands.
He took me swimming almost everyday for the last week I was in Austin, so Steven and I had only a few hours to spend together, although most of that little time we had he spent it playing that stupid computer game.
On Thursday night I was planning on going home early to go to bed with Steven, but Philippe and his friend John threw up a goodbye party for me, with our own catering and evrything. Then Philippe played his guitar, sang and even cried a little, and then went to bed, went to bed! I still can't believe I slept over there, especially with him. I found myself still not used to sleeping with a new love, but hopefully if I take my time, that would help.
I went home at about 2 in the morning, but instead of going dancing, I went straight to bed with Steven. He was still asleep and maybe didn't even hear me coming to him, but I could not sleep at all that night, and after our book was over at 4:30, I went to the living room to finish copying some CDs I was recording for him, and to start thinking about how in the world am I supposed to break upp with him. We did talk about that on Wednesday, that we were going to go through what we call an evalluation period, to see if this is really the best thing to do, but I couldn't really remember the words I wanted to tell him to let him know that our relationship is over, instead, he went to the living room where I was, held me cloce, and took me to bed with him. We cuddled, we hugged, we kiss, and everything else as if it was just another of our good days, he distracted me off our breakup day with all of his charms that made me fall for him before Philippe was in the picture, and then we made love, hard, wildly, as if he was trying to get to me with all his strength and energy. So wild was the way he did what he did, that when we were done, I was almost out of breath and thirsty.
"what an odd way to say goodbye on our agreed breakup day", I thought, and then he kissed me again, and again, and again! His kisses did not seem as long as Philippes and their charm felt as if it had lost most of its power, but I was happy and sad at the same time to let him go. By then of course, I forgot all about breaking up with him like I was supposed to, and he didn't have much time left before he had to go to work.
He just held me tight, then he got up to change and get ready, he said he loved me, and left as if sure I was going to go back to him.
I was not just stunned, but disappointed, today we were supposed to break up! what kind of a separation is that, acting as if I'm coming back? I felt my head ache as if exploding with questions, but no time for tears. I just had to pack up, then had some serial and took a shower. Then I left my poem "bag of dreams" at the top of his computer table, and under some books, I left a note that read "I love you darling, but it's time for you to let me go", folded it up, and left.
I took a cab to the bus station, bought my ticket, and got on the bus, thinking about the foolishness of the day, as if he hasn't taken me seriously when I told him that this is a time for me to think about what I'm doing, away from him. It turned out to be more than that actually, it's also a time to prove myself that indeed I can leave without him perfectly fine. I'll miss him, of course, but things are most definitely not what they used to be, and as much as I loved him since the day we met, it/s as if that sparkling fire has become an old flame that was now, not just dying, but barely alive, barely noticeable.
I hadn't had anyssleep thursday night, so I took a nap during the trip, letting my mind wonder about what just happened until it was exhausted.
When I got here to Houston, I was still tired, also because the stupid driver would stop almost every hour, shouting "We're here", not saying where, and I heard people getting out.
Then my mom and my sisters came to pick me up, but I know that mom knew from the moment she saw me that something was not right, also because everytime she asked about Steven, I changed the subject or just told her we were OK.
Anyway, we went to a concert, which was v cool, and we danced a lot and had fun.
Saturday I just stayed home, slept almost the whole day except early in the morning when my little sister wanted to play with me, and just relaxed, trying to just sleep everything off my mind, still unable to tell anyone here about my situation.
Then yesterday, I woke up really late, almost at 2, and since my little sister wasn't home and my dad had someone here, I went back to sleep, then I talked with Bianca for a while.
A while after I talked to her, it dawned on me. I just had to call Steven to find out if he realized that we were separating, or if he still thought I was coming back to him. I hesitated before I called him, thinking it was a foolish decision. Well, foolish, but wise at the same time. Not long after I began to say Hi to him, he started talking to me as if we already did what we were supposed to do.
First he asked me why I left my poem Bag of Dreams on his table. I told him that I thought he should keep it with him, that it's all his, I don't want it anymore. He didn't really understand why, but he said he'll keep it, even if he didn't agree with the idea of deleting my poems.
Then he told me, as if he knew what was on my mind, "did you think I didn't know that this wasn't just a trip?
I had to admit that was exactly what I wanted to know, but I was also calling to say hi, to.
"I might find my own place by the time you come back", he added. "That would be easier for me", I told him, "and for me", he told me. I wanted to ask him why, but had an odd feeling that if I do, it would only make it harder on him, so I just shut up and listened.
We talked for a moment, not only about our breakup, but about our day, not much on my part, and then we just decided to be friends from now on and learn to live with our new situation, this new love that keeps popping up in my head.
He said he likes making me laugh just as he did before, and that he hopes he's always funny to me, it's always good to have someone to lean on, even if it's my ex!
The thing would be, if I see him again, especially when Philippe and I are going out on our first few days, how would I be able to resist to his cuteness, his body, his charms?
Well, then the hard part came out, which was, to tell my mom at least part of what I'm going through so that she won't be so worried and I might be able to clear up my head a little from the thoughts that are slowly tormenting my mind.
Then I called my mom and she said we were going to grandmas.
I waited here for her, and then when we went to grandma's and people asked me about Steven, I said he's OK but he's leaving pretty soon. I tried to give them as little information about him as possible without offending them, and then I couldn't wait til we got home. When we got here is when my mom walked the dogs and said she wanted to talk to me, I was lucky my sister took me to her and then we had a long talk.
I didn't give her all the detail about who this new person was or anything like that, I just told her the basic part of my situation: that we were breaking up because there is a new person I'm in love with.
Mom absolutely does not agree with me going out with him, especially because she thinks I'm going to live with him, but she also told me to take my time, patience, so far so good.
Well, I got to go for now, more updates next time.
Bye
H I L
Our last few days together were kind of odd, though we tried to make the best of it. I had very little time for him then because I was either asleep in the morning, or out with Philippe at night. There, I finally learned to spell his name correctly, the French way. Philippe is so sweet, such an angel always! With Steven, he was always my king and I her devoted slave, well, except on our first few days. I was always there to do whatever he wanted me to do, but with Philippe, it's the other way around. He thinks I'm his queen, a princess, leving everythingsin my hands, and staying up with me if I want him to. Its because of him that I've been having ceveral big, romantic dinners at his house, with him always getting what I needed right in front of my hands.
He took me swimming almost everyday for the last week I was in Austin, so Steven and I had only a few hours to spend together, although most of that little time we had he spent it playing that stupid computer game.
On Thursday night I was planning on going home early to go to bed with Steven, but Philippe and his friend John threw up a goodbye party for me, with our own catering and evrything. Then Philippe played his guitar, sang and even cried a little, and then went to bed, went to bed! I still can't believe I slept over there, especially with him. I found myself still not used to sleeping with a new love, but hopefully if I take my time, that would help.
I went home at about 2 in the morning, but instead of going dancing, I went straight to bed with Steven. He was still asleep and maybe didn't even hear me coming to him, but I could not sleep at all that night, and after our book was over at 4:30, I went to the living room to finish copying some CDs I was recording for him, and to start thinking about how in the world am I supposed to break upp with him. We did talk about that on Wednesday, that we were going to go through what we call an evalluation period, to see if this is really the best thing to do, but I couldn't really remember the words I wanted to tell him to let him know that our relationship is over, instead, he went to the living room where I was, held me cloce, and took me to bed with him. We cuddled, we hugged, we kiss, and everything else as if it was just another of our good days, he distracted me off our breakup day with all of his charms that made me fall for him before Philippe was in the picture, and then we made love, hard, wildly, as if he was trying to get to me with all his strength and energy. So wild was the way he did what he did, that when we were done, I was almost out of breath and thirsty.
"what an odd way to say goodbye on our agreed breakup day", I thought, and then he kissed me again, and again, and again! His kisses did not seem as long as Philippes and their charm felt as if it had lost most of its power, but I was happy and sad at the same time to let him go. By then of course, I forgot all about breaking up with him like I was supposed to, and he didn't have much time left before he had to go to work.
He just held me tight, then he got up to change and get ready, he said he loved me, and left as if sure I was going to go back to him.
I was not just stunned, but disappointed, today we were supposed to break up! what kind of a separation is that, acting as if I'm coming back? I felt my head ache as if exploding with questions, but no time for tears. I just had to pack up, then had some serial and took a shower. Then I left my poem "bag of dreams" at the top of his computer table, and under some books, I left a note that read "I love you darling, but it's time for you to let me go", folded it up, and left.
I took a cab to the bus station, bought my ticket, and got on the bus, thinking about the foolishness of the day, as if he hasn't taken me seriously when I told him that this is a time for me to think about what I'm doing, away from him. It turned out to be more than that actually, it's also a time to prove myself that indeed I can leave without him perfectly fine. I'll miss him, of course, but things are most definitely not what they used to be, and as much as I loved him since the day we met, it/s as if that sparkling fire has become an old flame that was now, not just dying, but barely alive, barely noticeable.
I hadn't had anyssleep thursday night, so I took a nap during the trip, letting my mind wonder about what just happened until it was exhausted.
When I got here to Houston, I was still tired, also because the stupid driver would stop almost every hour, shouting "We're here", not saying where, and I heard people getting out.
Then my mom and my sisters came to pick me up, but I know that mom knew from the moment she saw me that something was not right, also because everytime she asked about Steven, I changed the subject or just told her we were OK.
Anyway, we went to a concert, which was v cool, and we danced a lot and had fun.
Saturday I just stayed home, slept almost the whole day except early in the morning when my little sister wanted to play with me, and just relaxed, trying to just sleep everything off my mind, still unable to tell anyone here about my situation.
Then yesterday, I woke up really late, almost at 2, and since my little sister wasn't home and my dad had someone here, I went back to sleep, then I talked with Bianca for a while.
A while after I talked to her, it dawned on me. I just had to call Steven to find out if he realized that we were separating, or if he still thought I was coming back to him. I hesitated before I called him, thinking it was a foolish decision. Well, foolish, but wise at the same time. Not long after I began to say Hi to him, he started talking to me as if we already did what we were supposed to do.
First he asked me why I left my poem Bag of Dreams on his table. I told him that I thought he should keep it with him, that it's all his, I don't want it anymore. He didn't really understand why, but he said he'll keep it, even if he didn't agree with the idea of deleting my poems.
Then he told me, as if he knew what was on my mind, "did you think I didn't know that this wasn't just a trip?
I had to admit that was exactly what I wanted to know, but I was also calling to say hi, to.
"I might find my own place by the time you come back", he added. "That would be easier for me", I told him, "and for me", he told me. I wanted to ask him why, but had an odd feeling that if I do, it would only make it harder on him, so I just shut up and listened.
We talked for a moment, not only about our breakup, but about our day, not much on my part, and then we just decided to be friends from now on and learn to live with our new situation, this new love that keeps popping up in my head.
He said he likes making me laugh just as he did before, and that he hopes he's always funny to me, it's always good to have someone to lean on, even if it's my ex!
The thing would be, if I see him again, especially when Philippe and I are going out on our first few days, how would I be able to resist to his cuteness, his body, his charms?
Well, then the hard part came out, which was, to tell my mom at least part of what I'm going through so that she won't be so worried and I might be able to clear up my head a little from the thoughts that are slowly tormenting my mind.
Then I called my mom and she said we were going to grandmas.
I waited here for her, and then when we went to grandma's and people asked me about Steven, I said he's OK but he's leaving pretty soon. I tried to give them as little information about him as possible without offending them, and then I couldn't wait til we got home. When we got here is when my mom walked the dogs and said she wanted to talk to me, I was lucky my sister took me to her and then we had a long talk.
I didn't give her all the detail about who this new person was or anything like that, I just told her the basic part of my situation: that we were breaking up because there is a new person I'm in love with.
Mom absolutely does not agree with me going out with him, especially because she thinks I'm going to live with him, but she also told me to take my time, patience, so far so good.
Well, I got to go for now, more updates next time.
Bye
H I L
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Hidden Tears
Yesterday I stayed home all day, woke up late and dreamed and thought about Fillipe most of the day, well, just until Steven came home, he came home later than usual BTW.
When he came into the room, I could tell that he was trying his best to sound excited, and told me: “I got a surprise for you”. “For me?, I thought, “cool”.
“let’s see how good is your hearing”, he added. That gave me an idea of what it was, “a harmonica, he always wanted to buy one”, I thought, and I told him that I thought it was a harmonica.
“How did you know it was a harmonica?”,
“I don’t know, I just guessed, though it could be another peny-whistle or an ocarina for that matter”, I smiled at him.
Anyway, he went out to smoke, and I waited until he was inside, to find out that indeed it was a harmonica.
He bought 2 harmonicas so that we could play together, and we played a few little tunes. I was trying to remember how I used to play one when I was little, but couldn’t remember the songs very well.
Anyway, I got some phonecalls from some friends and I told them that eventually I’m going to leave Steven because I’m in love with Fillipe, well, I didn’t say the whole thing, but he heard me when I said something is going to happen eventually. “What’s going to happen eventually?”, “Oh, I was just talking to Britaney”, I told him, “hmm, I wonder what it is”, he murmured.
Well, Fillipe called me, and then we went swimming. After swimming, however, when I got back and changed clothes, Steven took me into his arms, lay me down, took off my clothes, hugged me and kissed me before we made love. Then we were listening to a book together,and he put me to sleep. Before we were asleep he asked me a question he’s never asked me before. “can you hear my heart?”, I was stunned at the question, I thought he didn’t care about such things, but I just answered: “Yes, and it’s trying to tell me something”, he laugh, because as I and everyone around him knows, it means nothing to him but a crazy thing to say. But then he asked: “what is it trying to tell you?”,
I answered, “that I can’t leave yet”, and as I did I felt my heart cry too.
“Hmm”, he said, just hmm, how little does that mean to him, if I told that to Fillipe he would probably get very happy and kiss me over and over.
In a few minutes, we were asleep.
I woke up early this morning, and couldn’t get back to sleep and then before he went to work I heard him singing a song that brought back memories of what we used to be.
I listened to him intently, then I realized that even though his heart got colder, his voice hasn’t changed. His cuteness is still the same as it used to be when I first fell in love with him, and so is his manner, his intelligence, and those handsome arms I love to sleep in.
That’s why I’m still so confused, even though my mind is almost made up, and that’s why I’m still here with him, even though the in love feeling I felt for him once is slowly diminishing. I tried to hold my tears until he left for work, and then I played a song we both used to like and cried and cried for about half an hour.
Then I got ready to go to school, still thinking about my hidden tears and unable to focus in class.
After school I wanted to stay at the bus-stop and write for the blog, but I thought of Steven and another lady was sitting beside me talking on the phone in Chinese. In the mood I was in, I found it a little anoying, and delivery today wouldn’t start until 6, so I just called me a cab and came home to Steven. We played the harmonica together, I am so glad we found something we can play together, and then he got on the game and I on my writing.
Gotta go now,Cokie’s gonna make me some almond rice with couscous and I love it!
Laters:
H I L
When he came into the room, I could tell that he was trying his best to sound excited, and told me: “I got a surprise for you”. “For me?, I thought, “cool”.
“let’s see how good is your hearing”, he added. That gave me an idea of what it was, “a harmonica, he always wanted to buy one”, I thought, and I told him that I thought it was a harmonica.
“How did you know it was a harmonica?”,
“I don’t know, I just guessed, though it could be another peny-whistle or an ocarina for that matter”, I smiled at him.
Anyway, he went out to smoke, and I waited until he was inside, to find out that indeed it was a harmonica.
He bought 2 harmonicas so that we could play together, and we played a few little tunes. I was trying to remember how I used to play one when I was little, but couldn’t remember the songs very well.
Anyway, I got some phonecalls from some friends and I told them that eventually I’m going to leave Steven because I’m in love with Fillipe, well, I didn’t say the whole thing, but he heard me when I said something is going to happen eventually. “What’s going to happen eventually?”, “Oh, I was just talking to Britaney”, I told him, “hmm, I wonder what it is”, he murmured.
Well, Fillipe called me, and then we went swimming. After swimming, however, when I got back and changed clothes, Steven took me into his arms, lay me down, took off my clothes, hugged me and kissed me before we made love. Then we were listening to a book together,and he put me to sleep. Before we were asleep he asked me a question he’s never asked me before. “can you hear my heart?”, I was stunned at the question, I thought he didn’t care about such things, but I just answered: “Yes, and it’s trying to tell me something”, he laugh, because as I and everyone around him knows, it means nothing to him but a crazy thing to say. But then he asked: “what is it trying to tell you?”,
I answered, “that I can’t leave yet”, and as I did I felt my heart cry too.
“Hmm”, he said, just hmm, how little does that mean to him, if I told that to Fillipe he would probably get very happy and kiss me over and over.
In a few minutes, we were asleep.
I woke up early this morning, and couldn’t get back to sleep and then before he went to work I heard him singing a song that brought back memories of what we used to be.
I listened to him intently, then I realized that even though his heart got colder, his voice hasn’t changed. His cuteness is still the same as it used to be when I first fell in love with him, and so is his manner, his intelligence, and those handsome arms I love to sleep in.
That’s why I’m still so confused, even though my mind is almost made up, and that’s why I’m still here with him, even though the in love feeling I felt for him once is slowly diminishing. I tried to hold my tears until he left for work, and then I played a song we both used to like and cried and cried for about half an hour.
Then I got ready to go to school, still thinking about my hidden tears and unable to focus in class.
After school I wanted to stay at the bus-stop and write for the blog, but I thought of Steven and another lady was sitting beside me talking on the phone in Chinese. In the mood I was in, I found it a little anoying, and delivery today wouldn’t start until 6, so I just called me a cab and came home to Steven. We played the harmonica together, I am so glad we found something we can play together, and then he got on the game and I on my writing.
Gotta go now,Cokie’s gonna make me some almond rice with couscous and I love it!
Laters:
H I L
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Sliding away
All of these days I’ve been feeling as ifI’m sliding away from Steven and he’s trying to pull me back down to him,like if a happy child were put to read a boring book.
Filipe and I went sailing on Sunday, I always wanted to go sailing with him, and it was coolio to the 4th power. He’s sailboat started, and we sailed around the lake, so peaceful, so carefree, kissing and hugging along the way, and watching other sailboats passing by.
Then we got on the water and went swimming around the lake, and I loved it!
I loved the way he held my hand to prevent me from falling, and the way he helped me get into the water.
We were there for a few hours before coming back home, and then he cooked some dinner for me.
And also, yesterday we went swimming at the pool, and then he called me up again to spend some time with him at his house. We are getting clocer now and we just lay there, feeling each other’s hearts, and I was so cloce to him that I could almost brethe him.
I have my mind pretty much made up now, and Steven and I have talked yesterday about breaking up starting this summer when I go to Houston.
I was trying so hard to not hurt his feelings while we talked, yet I could not contain my happiness about the new love.
We are just trying to play it cool while we are still here, but if things go the way they’re going, when summer break is over, I will start a new chapter of the book of my life.
Well, gotta go, I’ll write soon.
H I L
Who would've known that I would fall in love again!
Filipe and I went sailing on Sunday, I always wanted to go sailing with him, and it was coolio to the 4th power. He’s sailboat started, and we sailed around the lake, so peaceful, so carefree, kissing and hugging along the way, and watching other sailboats passing by.
Then we got on the water and went swimming around the lake, and I loved it!
I loved the way he held my hand to prevent me from falling, and the way he helped me get into the water.
We were there for a few hours before coming back home, and then he cooked some dinner for me.
And also, yesterday we went swimming at the pool, and then he called me up again to spend some time with him at his house. We are getting clocer now and we just lay there, feeling each other’s hearts, and I was so cloce to him that I could almost brethe him.
I have my mind pretty much made up now, and Steven and I have talked yesterday about breaking up starting this summer when I go to Houston.
I was trying so hard to not hurt his feelings while we talked, yet I could not contain my happiness about the new love.
We are just trying to play it cool while we are still here, but if things go the way they’re going, when summer break is over, I will start a new chapter of the book of my life.
Well, gotta go, I’ll write soon.
H I L
Who would've known that I would fall in love again!
Friday, May 01, 2009
Getting ready to say Goodbye
Wednesday at school I couldn’t focus, I slept in class and had dreams about leaving Steven and not leaving, the confusion on my heart and head was killing me alive and I didn’t know what to do.
I stayed after class to talk to the teacher and just got dropped from the Math class. I stayed by the waterfall for a few hours before coming straight home to Steven.
Steven got off the game a few minutes after I got home, and we had one of those long talks that leaves my heart wondering.
I know now for a fact that he doesn’t want me to leave because he said with that sad, cute voice, “I don’t want to lose you”, as he hugged me and kissed me over and over again and I felt him like I did those glorious days of February of last year.
That made me not want to leave him yet, let me wonder what am I doing, falling in love again and feeling happy with another guy?
Anyway, we talked about his irritation problem, about his unhappiness of being blind, and about how I feel when I’m with him. I feel like I’m losing my identity, like I’m “walking on eggshells” as he put it,always having to be careful to not make him mad or irritated, I’m sick of it and I finally told him.
I don’t think he feels like I respect him, but I do. I watched him as if he were a powerful prince charming, he’s been my king all this time and I was always eager to be there for him, now what’s happening to that wonderful relationship?, it’s dying, slowly but dying!
He told me I didn’t have to be like that, but how else could I be?, that’s just me!
Anyway, the thing that surprised me the most was when he was holding me and kissing me and taking me in his arms, then he carried me outside with him when he came out to smoke, and then my phone started ringing and I knew it was Fillipe. He asked me:
Are you gonna answer the phone or are you gonna stay here with me?
“I’m gonna stay here with you”, I told him, feeling as if his heart my break if I did otherwise.
I stayed there flying in his arms,and then I turned my phone off because I didn’t want Fillipe’s call to interrupt me when I’m with Steven.
We stayed outside hanging out with Cokie for a few minutes, then we came to bed together, wow! It felt as if it’s been years since we went to bed together, I was always out with Filipe or talking to Cokie, and he always had a book on, and that made me kind of uncomfortable.
That night, after making love and being in his arms for a few minutes, I was very but very confused, and I couldn’t sleep, so I went outside to talk on the phone with Britany and then tried to go back to bed but I kept waking up.
Yesterday morning I didn’t even feel like going to school, but I went anyway.
Fillipe wanted to pick me up, but I came home early because I wasn’t feeling too good and needed some rest.
After Steven came home yesterday I was in for a surprise.
He sounded almost excited to see me again, and he wanted me to help him count change.
We were listening to some of those songs that brought back memories of what we used to be, I can’t believe it, he was singing again after so many months! We were having some fun and I even forgot about my date with Fillipe, well, almost, until he called me.
If he wouldn’t have called, I probably would’ve gone to bed with Steven. Pretty soon though, before Fillipe called, he was holding me again, making me laugh again, and talking about what we did in those good old days. He again told me that he loved me very much, and that he didn’t want to lose me. Then he played his game for a little bit, he deserved it, and so I went to see Fillipe and told him about our planned trial breakup, and he said that sounds great. I told him that he needs to give me some time, probably a couple more months before I can make up my mind and see if this is really what I want to do with my life and the life of the ones I love. He thought about it for a moment, then he agreed but told me that he still cares about me a lot, he’s in love!
Then he walked me home and I stayed in the living room writing, after kissing Steven good-night.
This is apparently a dying love that wants to fight to live, to stay alive, and I feel a little sad for trying to ended by falling in love with someone else, but if Steven needs another chance and wants me to wait until the summer, then I’ll give him another chance but it’s almost sure that this is not going to last forever, as I used to think during our wonderful times last year.
But when a flower dies, a new one is born, so if Steven does anything to make me cry or upset me, then I’ll turn to Filipe and that will be the end of the story of Steven and I. On the contrary, if he doesn’t, there is a slight chance that I may fall out of love with Fillipe and remain friends, while my heart is settling back on Steven, but I don’t know for sure if he can do that in solittle time.
I just want to go away for the summer and maybe have a girls night out with my sister or my mom, and forget about boyfriends for a moment until I can make the final decision.
Well, it’s Friday, my sleep day, and I gotta go get some rest before Steven comes home, I bet he won’t let me take a nap.
More updates some time next week:
H I L.
I stayed after class to talk to the teacher and just got dropped from the Math class. I stayed by the waterfall for a few hours before coming straight home to Steven.
Steven got off the game a few minutes after I got home, and we had one of those long talks that leaves my heart wondering.
I know now for a fact that he doesn’t want me to leave because he said with that sad, cute voice, “I don’t want to lose you”, as he hugged me and kissed me over and over again and I felt him like I did those glorious days of February of last year.
That made me not want to leave him yet, let me wonder what am I doing, falling in love again and feeling happy with another guy?
Anyway, we talked about his irritation problem, about his unhappiness of being blind, and about how I feel when I’m with him. I feel like I’m losing my identity, like I’m “walking on eggshells” as he put it,always having to be careful to not make him mad or irritated, I’m sick of it and I finally told him.
I don’t think he feels like I respect him, but I do. I watched him as if he were a powerful prince charming, he’s been my king all this time and I was always eager to be there for him, now what’s happening to that wonderful relationship?, it’s dying, slowly but dying!
He told me I didn’t have to be like that, but how else could I be?, that’s just me!
Anyway, the thing that surprised me the most was when he was holding me and kissing me and taking me in his arms, then he carried me outside with him when he came out to smoke, and then my phone started ringing and I knew it was Fillipe. He asked me:
Are you gonna answer the phone or are you gonna stay here with me?
“I’m gonna stay here with you”, I told him, feeling as if his heart my break if I did otherwise.
I stayed there flying in his arms,and then I turned my phone off because I didn’t want Fillipe’s call to interrupt me when I’m with Steven.
We stayed outside hanging out with Cokie for a few minutes, then we came to bed together, wow! It felt as if it’s been years since we went to bed together, I was always out with Filipe or talking to Cokie, and he always had a book on, and that made me kind of uncomfortable.
That night, after making love and being in his arms for a few minutes, I was very but very confused, and I couldn’t sleep, so I went outside to talk on the phone with Britany and then tried to go back to bed but I kept waking up.
Yesterday morning I didn’t even feel like going to school, but I went anyway.
Fillipe wanted to pick me up, but I came home early because I wasn’t feeling too good and needed some rest.
After Steven came home yesterday I was in for a surprise.
He sounded almost excited to see me again, and he wanted me to help him count change.
We were listening to some of those songs that brought back memories of what we used to be, I can’t believe it, he was singing again after so many months! We were having some fun and I even forgot about my date with Fillipe, well, almost, until he called me.
If he wouldn’t have called, I probably would’ve gone to bed with Steven. Pretty soon though, before Fillipe called, he was holding me again, making me laugh again, and talking about what we did in those good old days. He again told me that he loved me very much, and that he didn’t want to lose me. Then he played his game for a little bit, he deserved it, and so I went to see Fillipe and told him about our planned trial breakup, and he said that sounds great. I told him that he needs to give me some time, probably a couple more months before I can make up my mind and see if this is really what I want to do with my life and the life of the ones I love. He thought about it for a moment, then he agreed but told me that he still cares about me a lot, he’s in love!
Then he walked me home and I stayed in the living room writing, after kissing Steven good-night.
This is apparently a dying love that wants to fight to live, to stay alive, and I feel a little sad for trying to ended by falling in love with someone else, but if Steven needs another chance and wants me to wait until the summer, then I’ll give him another chance but it’s almost sure that this is not going to last forever, as I used to think during our wonderful times last year.
But when a flower dies, a new one is born, so if Steven does anything to make me cry or upset me, then I’ll turn to Filipe and that will be the end of the story of Steven and I. On the contrary, if he doesn’t, there is a slight chance that I may fall out of love with Fillipe and remain friends, while my heart is settling back on Steven, but I don’t know for sure if he can do that in solittle time.
I just want to go away for the summer and maybe have a girls night out with my sister or my mom, and forget about boyfriends for a moment until I can make the final decision.
Well, it’s Friday, my sleep day, and I gotta go get some rest before Steven comes home, I bet he won’t let me take a nap.
More updates some time next week:
H I L.
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