Things to do after breaking up

All this time that I have in my hands, is pretty much all about learning to prove myself that I can live without Steven.
I started doing that by calling my friend Bianca and telling her about the hard time I’m having with the decision, and she told me to start off by breaking the CD’s he gave me, deleting all his music and the poems I wrote for him, in short, to stay away from anything that reminds me of him, even those computer sounds he made for me.
I am so glad he didn’t give me many things, just a lot of heartache and tears secretly hidden and covered by dreams.
Breaking the CD’s is kind of dangerous because I’m running the risk of being caught by my mom and I almost did, not to mention that the little pieces of the glassy material can jump off and caught me in the eye, but I have to do it because if I just throw them away or hide them in a drawer, I know that the next time I come around my mom will pick them up and play them in front of me like she did that Britney Spears CD.
Not only that, I spent a whole night getting rid of his music and his 2 notes, cheep notes.
The next day I was in for a challenge. On Monday, everyone on the family came, and then I was waken up by my mom, who asked me if I wanted to go swimming. I went swimming with my little sister, but then I went to lunch, or was it dinner?, I didn’t know because I was still half asleep.
It didn’t feel right to me going swimming without Philippe, so I was for a moment, glad to be out of the water.
When I was at the dinner table, however, my aunt and my grandma were there, and they were all asking me about the one thing I didn’t want to remember: Steven. “Are you 2 doing Ok?, Why did you gguys break up?, you both looked so nice together!, what happened?, are you sad to lose him? …”, were only a few of the questions they asked, and each of them felt as if they were thorns piercing my heart and opening the wound that had just started to heal. I was ashamed to cry, however, afraid that everyone would see my despair and pepper me with questions even more. Thank God my dad showed up, and I told him to call my mom and when she showed up I told her to bring me back inside so I can go to the bathroom. I cried silently, not a lot, but just enough to help me not to go insane.
Then I wiped away my tears and came back in here, called Philippe and talked to him for a while before his soothing voice lulled me to sleep.
I kept sleeping and waking up, until mom came in and told me they were gone. From that day on, she said she wanted to do something with me every morning before she went to work, such as going to the park or going on a bike ride, but I just don’t really feel like anything.
When I went to the L Y C’s breakup section, I read about doing things such as going for walks, getting rid of anything that brings memories of the relationship, and journaling, well, I do that all the time with this blog, so on Wednesday I accepted going to the park with my mom in the morning. I’m still very depressed, however, not because I feel sad about losing him, as people around me believe, but still unable to shake that feeling of silent sadness and shame away from me permanently, it always comes back. I still spend most of the day in bed or on the computer, and I also found an online course on YouTube to help me learn French, and a French radio station on the internet, because anything French reminds me of Philippe these days, and I’m trying to thing more of him, and less of Steven, since I found out that is the most effective way to counteract my feelings for him and move on faster than just trying to forget about him.
Yes, I am learning a little French, enjoying French music, listening to funny stories, etc, but the moment I think I moved on, it hits me again, and again, and I feel like I’ll never get over him.
I feel very tired most of the time, even if I don’t do much, but though sometimes I sleep a lot, many other times I feel restless, especially at night.
I am also working on a poem called “Still alive”, but as slow as I’m going, I don’t know if I’ll ever finish it.
I brought a Braille book to read with me, but since my mind is so restless and wondering, I would only read the first few lines before I would put it down and go to sleep, so I just listen to stories on mp3, or just music.
I went swimming again just this afternoon, and right now I’m getting sick, I’m getting a cold.
In short, it’s been crazy for me all this time, for a moment it feels like I’m moving on and I’m happy when I think of Philippe, but in a few minutes, I still feel almost like crying when the traces of Steven’s love pop back up in my memory.

Well, gotta go now, I’m listening to a French radio that’s really ausom, and I’m waiting on a phonecall, so I’ll be back later.

H I L