Our last few days together

Hay, it's the start of a new week for me, not just a new week, but a new era of mmy life, my first week without him.
Our last few days together were kind of odd, though we tried to make the best of it. I had very little time for him then because I was either asleep in the morning, or out with Philippe at night. There, I finally learned to spell his name correctly, the French way. Philippe is so sweet, such an angel always! With Steven, he was always my king and I her devoted slave, well, except on our first few days. I was always there to do whatever he wanted me to do, but with Philippe, it's the other way around. He thinks I'm his queen, a princess, leving everythingsin my hands, and staying up with me if I want him to. Its because of him that I've been having ceveral big, romantic dinners at his house, with him always getting what I needed right in front of my hands.
He took me swimming almost everyday for the last week I was in Austin, so Steven and I had only a few hours to spend together, although most of that little time we had he spent it playing that stupid computer game.
On Thursday night I was planning on going home early to go to bed with Steven, but Philippe and his friend John threw up a goodbye party for me, with our own catering and evrything. Then Philippe played his guitar, sang and even cried a little, and then went to bed, went to bed! I still can't believe I slept over there, especially with him. I found myself still not used to sleeping with a new love, but hopefully if I take my time, that would help.
I went home at about 2 in the morning, but instead of going dancing, I went straight to bed with Steven. He was still asleep and maybe didn't even hear me coming to him, but I could not sleep at all that night, and after our book was over at 4:30, I went to the living room to finish copying some CDs I was recording for him, and to start thinking about how in the world am I supposed to break upp with him. We did talk about that on Wednesday, that we were going to go through what we call an evalluation period, to see if this is really the best thing to do, but I couldn't really remember the words I wanted to tell him to let him know that our relationship is over, instead, he went to the living room where I was, held me cloce, and took me to bed with him. We cuddled, we hugged, we kiss, and everything else as if it was just another of our good days, he distracted me off our breakup day with all of his charms that made me fall for him before Philippe was in the picture, and then we made love, hard, wildly, as if he was trying to get to me with all his strength and energy. So wild was the way he did what he did, that when we were done, I was almost out of breath and thirsty.
"what an odd way to say goodbye on our agreed breakup day", I thought, and then he kissed me again, and again, and again! His kisses did not seem as long as Philippes and their charm felt as if it had lost most of its power, but I was happy and sad at the same time to let him go. By then of course, I forgot all about breaking up with him like I was supposed to, and he didn't have much time left before he had to go to work.
He just held me tight, then he got up to change and get ready, he said he loved me, and left as if sure I was going to go back to him.
I was not just stunned, but disappointed, today we were supposed to break up! what kind of a separation is that, acting as if I'm coming back? I felt my head ache as if exploding with questions, but no time for tears. I just had to pack up, then had some serial and took a shower. Then I left my poem "bag of dreams" at the top of his computer table, and under some books, I left a note that read "I love you darling, but it's time for you to let me go", folded it up, and left.
I took a cab to the bus station, bought my ticket, and got on the bus, thinking about the foolishness of the day, as if he hasn't taken me seriously when I told him that this is a time for me to think about what I'm doing, away from him. It turned out to be more than that actually, it's also a time to prove myself that indeed I can leave without him perfectly fine. I'll miss him, of course, but things are most definitely not what they used to be, and as much as I loved him since the day we met, it/s as if that sparkling fire has become an old flame that was now, not just dying, but barely alive, barely noticeable.
I hadn't had anyssleep thursday night, so I took a nap during the trip, letting my mind wonder about what just happened until it was exhausted.
When I got here to Houston, I was still tired, also because the stupid driver would stop almost every hour, shouting "We're here", not saying where, and I heard people getting out.
Then my mom and my sisters came to pick me up, but I know that mom knew from the moment she saw me that something was not right, also because everytime she asked about Steven, I changed the subject or just told her we were OK.
Anyway, we went to a concert, which was v cool, and we danced a lot and had fun.
Saturday I just stayed home, slept almost the whole day except early in the morning when my little sister wanted to play with me, and just relaxed, trying to just sleep everything off my mind, still unable to tell anyone here about my situation.
Then yesterday, I woke up really late, almost at 2, and since my little sister wasn't home and my dad had someone here, I went back to sleep, then I talked with Bianca for a while.
A while after I talked to her, it dawned on me. I just had to call Steven to find out if he realized that we were separating, or if he still thought I was coming back to him. I hesitated before I called him, thinking it was a foolish decision. Well, foolish, but wise at the same time. Not long after I began to say Hi to him, he started talking to me as if we already did what we were supposed to do.
First he asked me why I left my poem Bag of Dreams on his table. I told him that I thought he should keep it with him, that it's all his, I don't want it anymore. He didn't really understand why, but he said he'll keep it, even if he didn't agree with the idea of deleting my poems.
Then he told me, as if he knew what was on my mind, "did you think I didn't know that this wasn't just a trip?
I had to admit that was exactly what I wanted to know, but I was also calling to say hi, to.
"I might find my own place by the time you come back", he added. "That would be easier for me", I told him, "and for me", he told me. I wanted to ask him why, but had an odd feeling that if I do, it would only make it harder on him, so I just shut up and listened.
We talked for a moment, not only about our breakup, but about our day, not much on my part, and then we just decided to be friends from now on and learn to live with our new situation, this new love that keeps popping up in my head.
He said he likes making me laugh just as he did before, and that he hopes he's always funny to me, it's always good to have someone to lean on, even if it's my ex!
The thing would be, if I see him again, especially when Philippe and I are going out on our first few days, how would I be able to resist to his cuteness, his body, his charms?
Well, then the hard part came out, which was, to tell my mom at least part of what I'm going through so that she won't be so worried and I might be able to clear up my head a little from the thoughts that are slowly tormenting my mind.
Then I called my mom and she said we were going to grandmas.
I waited here for her, and then when we went to grandma's and people asked me about Steven, I said he's OK but he's leaving pretty soon. I tried to give them as little information about him as possible without offending them, and then I couldn't wait til we got home. When we got here is when my mom walked the dogs and said she wanted to talk to me, I was lucky my sister took me to her and then we had a long talk.
I didn't give her all the detail about who this new person was or anything like that, I just told her the basic part of my situation: that we were breaking up because there is a new person I'm in love with.
Mom absolutely does not agree with me going out with him, especially because she thinks I'm going to live with him, but she also told me to take my time, patience, so far so good.

Well, I got to go for now, more updates next time.

Bye

H I L