Breaking up has not been an easy thing to do, I’m having to pay for it, and how painful is the price. No, not losing him because I was the one who broke up with him, but the trace he left, his memories, and the songs we used to sing together, my mom’s acceptance, and everything in between hurt like hell. For a moment, when we broke up, I thought I was already over him and moving on, but then because of all those memories, I realized I wasn’t.
Yesterday, when my mom and I talked about him, she told me that he was almost like part of the family, it’s one of the wonders our love had done.
We took my sister’s puppy to the vet, and then in our way home, I heard that song “far away” that he sang to me last year in our first night together, and I almost felt like crying because I felt my heart aching with those memories.
All throughout the week I didn’t feel like doing almost anything except sleeping, getting on the internet, or talking on the phone.
Although I am trying to get over Steven, it’s hard for my open wound to heal if my mom and others keep asking me about him.
Beyond that, though, and in spite of all the nostalgia and the melancholy, everything is working quite as planned. Philippe is at least trying to give me the strength to not to fal apart and go back to him for forgiveness, and to start making plans for moving on.
Steven and I haven’t talked since Sunday, it’s all gone, our hopes of going back together, and I rather not talk to him, than call him and hurt his feelings and my own heart even more.
I’ve been spending most of the time sleeping or reflecting on this situation, getting on the internet and finding things that are helping me to move on, such as breakup songs and empowering songs and videos in you-tube.
During this reflection week I’ve also learned that Philippe really loves me, and yesterday he told me he did some soul-searching to find out if this is the right decision for him, he says he wants to be true to me. Wow! I tried to go soul searching myself, but my little sister interrupted me so I couldn’t really do it.
I also talked to Cokie and Bianca yesterday, and it’s good to know they’re not mad at me for this because I know mom is, I know she totally disagrees with me about leving Steven to be with someone else, so it’s hard for me to talk to her nowadays, that I’m running the risk of being made to stay here in Houston for the rest of the year.
Well, got to go to Dreamland, but before I go, I going to post my latest poem, “The Night will come”, I wrote it thinking about Philippe!
I’ll write some time next week, laters
H I L