Getting ready to say Goodbye

Wednesday at school I couldn’t focus, I slept in class and had dreams about leaving Steven and not leaving, the confusion on my heart and head was killing me alive and I didn’t know what to do.
I stayed after class to talk to the teacher and just got dropped from the Math class. I stayed by the waterfall for a few hours before coming straight home to Steven.
Steven got off the game a few minutes after I got home, and we had one of those long talks that leaves my heart wondering.
I know now for a fact that he doesn’t want me to leave because he said with that sad, cute voice, “I don’t want to lose you”, as he hugged me and kissed me over and over again and I felt him like I did those glorious days of February of last year.

That made me not want to leave him yet, let me wonder what am I doing, falling in love again and feeling happy with another guy?
Anyway, we talked about his irritation problem, about his unhappiness of being blind, and about how I feel when I’m with him. I feel like I’m losing my identity, like I’m “walking on eggshells” as he put it,always having to be careful to not make him mad or irritated, I’m sick of it and I finally told him.
I don’t think he feels like I respect him, but I do. I watched him as if he were a powerful prince charming, he’s been my king all this time and I was always eager to be there for him, now what’s happening to that wonderful relationship?, it’s dying, slowly but dying!
He told me I didn’t have to be like that, but how else could I be?, that’s just me!
Anyway, the thing that surprised me the most was when he was holding me and kissing me and taking me in his arms, then he carried me outside with him when he came out to smoke, and then my phone started ringing and I knew it was Fillipe. He asked me:
Are you gonna answer the phone or are you gonna stay here with me?
“I’m gonna stay here with you”, I told him, feeling as if his heart my break if I did otherwise.
I stayed there flying in his arms,and then I turned my phone off because I didn’t want Fillipe’s call to interrupt me when I’m with Steven.
We stayed outside hanging out with Cokie for a few minutes, then we came to bed together, wow! It felt as if it’s been years since we went to bed together, I was always out with Filipe or talking to Cokie, and he always had a book on, and that made me kind of uncomfortable.
That night, after making love and being in his arms for a few minutes, I was very but very confused, and I couldn’t sleep, so I went outside to talk on the phone with Britany and then tried to go back to bed but I kept waking up.
Yesterday morning I didn’t even feel like going to school, but I went anyway.
Fillipe wanted to pick me up, but I came home early because I wasn’t feeling too good and needed some rest.
After Steven came home yesterday I was in for a surprise.
He sounded almost excited to see me again, and he wanted me to help him count change.
We were listening to some of those songs that brought back memories of what we used to be, I can’t believe it, he was singing again after so many months! We were having some fun and I even forgot about my date with Fillipe, well, almost, until he called me.
If he wouldn’t have called, I probably would’ve gone to bed with Steven. Pretty soon though, before Fillipe called, he was holding me again, making me laugh again, and talking about what we did in those good old days. He again told me that he loved me very much, and that he didn’t want to lose me. Then he played his game for a little bit, he deserved it, and so I went to see Fillipe and told him about our planned trial breakup, and he said that sounds great. I told him that he needs to give me some time, probably a couple more months before I can make up my mind and see if this is really what I want to do with my life and the life of the ones I love. He thought about it for a moment, then he agreed but told me that he still cares about me a lot, he’s in love!
Then he walked me home and I stayed in the living room writing, after kissing Steven good-night.
This is apparently a dying love that wants to fight to live, to stay alive, and I feel a little sad for trying to ended by falling in love with someone else, but if Steven needs another chance and wants me to wait until the summer, then I’ll give him another chance but it’s almost sure that this is not going to last forever, as I used to think during our wonderful times last year.
But when a flower dies, a new one is born, so if Steven does anything to make me cry or upset me, then I’ll turn to Filipe and that will be the end of the story of Steven and I. On the contrary, if he doesn’t, there is a slight chance that I may fall out of love with Fillipe and remain friends, while my heart is settling back on Steven, but I don’t know for sure if he can do that in solittle time.
I just want to go away for the summer and maybe have a girls night out with my sister or my mom, and forget about boyfriends for a moment until I can make the final decision.

Well, it’s Friday, my sleep day, and I gotta go get some rest before Steven comes home, I bet he won’t let me take a nap.

More updates some time next week:
H I L.