Hidden Tears

Yesterday I stayed home all day, woke up late and dreamed and thought about Fillipe most of the day, well, just until Steven came home, he came home later than usual BTW.
When he came into the room, I could tell that he was trying his best to sound excited, and told me: “I got a surprise for you”. “For me?, I thought, “cool”.
“let’s see how good is your hearing”, he added. That gave me an idea of what it was, “a harmonica, he always wanted to buy one”, I thought, and I told him that I thought it was a harmonica.
“How did you know it was a harmonica?”,
“I don’t know, I just guessed, though it could be another peny-whistle or an ocarina for that matter”, I smiled at him.
Anyway, he went out to smoke, and I waited until he was inside, to find out that indeed it was a harmonica.
He bought 2 harmonicas so that we could play together, and we played a few little tunes. I was trying to remember how I used to play one when I was little, but couldn’t remember the songs very well.
Anyway, I got some phonecalls from some friends and I told them that eventually I’m going to leave Steven because I’m in love with Fillipe, well, I didn’t say the whole thing, but he heard me when I said something is going to happen eventually. “What’s going to happen eventually?”, “Oh, I was just talking to Britaney”, I told him, “hmm, I wonder what it is”, he murmured.
Well, Fillipe called me, and then we went swimming. After swimming, however, when I got back and changed clothes, Steven took me into his arms, lay me down, took off my clothes, hugged me and kissed me before we made love. Then we were listening to a book together,and he put me to sleep. Before we were asleep he asked me a question he’s never asked me before. “can you hear my heart?”, I was stunned at the question, I thought he didn’t care about such things, but I just answered: “Yes, and it’s trying to tell me something”, he laugh, because as I and everyone around him knows, it means nothing to him but a crazy thing to say. But then he asked: “what is it trying to tell you?”,
I answered, “that I can’t leave yet”, and as I did I felt my heart cry too.
“Hmm”, he said, just hmm, how little does that mean to him, if I told that to Fillipe he would probably get very happy and kiss me over and over.
In a few minutes, we were asleep.
I woke up early this morning, and couldn’t get back to sleep and then before he went to work I heard him singing a song that brought back memories of what we used to be.
I listened to him intently, then I realized that even though his heart got colder, his voice hasn’t changed. His cuteness is still the same as it used to be when I first fell in love with him, and so is his manner, his intelligence, and those handsome arms I love to sleep in.
That’s why I’m still so confused, even though my mind is almost made up, and that’s why I’m still here with him, even though the in love feeling I felt for him once is slowly diminishing. I tried to hold my tears until he left for work, and then I played a song we both used to like and cried and cried for about half an hour.
Then I got ready to go to school, still thinking about my hidden tears and unable to focus in class.
After school I wanted to stay at the bus-stop and write for the blog, but I thought of Steven and another lady was sitting beside me talking on the phone in Chinese. In the mood I was in, I found it a little anoying, and delivery today wouldn’t start until 6, so I just called me a cab and came home to Steven. We played the harmonica together, I am so glad we found something we can play together, and then he got on the game and I on my writing.
Gotta go now,Cokie’s gonna make me some almond rice with couscous and I love it!

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